Category: The Cross Before Me

#Throwback: A real journey of real faith in real God. is an older blog I once had to share thoughts of my journey of faith. As we transition over to TheEssentialLife.Us, you’ll find that content still on the original site until the process is complete.

Be warned- this blog reflects a JOURNEY of faith, not a completed nor perfected step-by-step “how to” from someone who has achieved their final glory- nope. Just a real girl, walking, stumbling forward, thinking about it all and then trying again. Love ya!

“The Ugly Soulmate” – December 2007:

Since I turned 30 I have been asked out by a larger concentration of people than at any other point in my life (and its only been a month…) I remain perplexed about this anomaly, but I’m certainly not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. I’ll admit, up until now, I’ve been experiencing something of a dry spell and I’m more than happy to welcome the rain. However…

I had all but forgotten about the heady uncertainty that dating can awake on the inside – will he call? why didn’t he? Should I call him? How long should I wait? Will that seem like I’m too desperate or not interested? Maybe it was something I said/did? Maybe he’s just busy? or dead? Am I pretty/smart/funny enough? Eh, the list goes on… These are just a fraction of a fraction of the questions that swirl around in my head, like the junk sucked up into the funnel of a tornado – but that only happens when I care.

I don’t let myself care about too much, because it puts my brain into overdrive, but when I do, its hard to pull in the reigns. So, recently, I cared, at least I was starting to allow myself to do so… “and then there was one” – yep, me. The cheese stands alone (again). Whoa horsey…. reign it in…

Why is it over? That at least I can answer – we both agreed – although for different reasons. Despite the mutually painless concession, however, I have found myself dismally reflecting on my seemingly fruitless search for someone who “gets” my need to find laughter, respect, understanding, spirituality, intelligence, goals, beliefs, and whatever else all the books say. Do the books say anything about aspiring for looks too? I don’t recall any that do (Although, granted, I am not yet at the level of desperation that is defined by a constant reading of these types of books). The Handsome Soulmate is the white whale of the singles’ world – an urban myth that keeps women hunting with nary a catch to tell of over centuries of searching. A nibble here, a tug there and yet, he never rises to the surface. Gone with only our disappointment and disillusionment to remember him by.

I’ve dated a lot of very handsome, wrong-for-me men and this latest dalliance has got me seriously thinking about finding myself an ugly man with a beautiful soul. It’s not the first time I’ve thought about it. Maybe my problem is that I’mtoo shallow? All this time I’ve fallen for handsome, smart, successful, energetic, sexy men, and it never, has ever worked out and each time it doesn’t, I feel like I just went in another circle, on the same bumpy road. Maybe I am out of my league and didn’t know it. Maybe what I need to look for is a man who I am not attracted to at all, who lives in his parents basement, has a GED and is working a low paying, part-time job, who plays video games all the time and has no aspirations to ever be anything more. Maybe he should be overweight and have no energy and a few health problems. Bonus if he has chronic bad breath or scabby skin or B.O. The elusive Ugly Soulmate.

That guy will love me. Like all girls tell themselves about men that just want to be”friends” while nailing someone ‘better’ – I’m too good for him. In the case of me and the Ugly Soulmate, it will actually be true. I’ll be too good for him and he’ll know it and so will I and so he’ll idolize me for it. He’ll tell me I’m pretty. He’ll need me. He’ll want me. He won’t leave me. The Ugly Soulmate would never tell me he just wants to be friends. He would never say that “it just isn’t going to work” for reasons I think are lame and unoriginal. The Ugly Soulmate would *make* it work because I’ll be all that he could never attain but for his beautiful soul and that’s what I’m looking for – a little longevity. Some rolling up of the sleeves and a gritting of the teeth – a man who thinks I’m worth the effort, who is willing to invest. I am soooo not impressed by money or looks (although both are a bonus of mythic proportions), but what does impress me is a man who is not afraid to give me – himself and let me give myself back in return. (and, as it is said… “therein lies the rub…”)

So, Ugly Soulmate, if you have spent the greater portion of your life being called a ‘loser’, if you have any kind of unattractive physical qualities, if you have consistently scored poorly in any or all of your academic subjects and have a history of being lazy and know on the inside you’re a great guy and wish you could have a beautiful, intelligent, funny, creative, interesting, vibrant women to appreciate it, come find me. Better yet, give me your details (picture required. no handsome men need apply) and I’ll come find you. That way you don’t have to get off the couch. I’ll even bring a bag of chips….